


Oblivious

by Inky_Blackheart



Category: Emperor's New Groove (2000)
Genre: Bad Flirting, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Falling In Love, Fluff and Humor, Humor, If You Squint - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, Master/Servant, Mutual Pining, Nosebleed, Oblivious, Relationship Advice, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, spinach puffs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-13
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2020-03-02 20:41:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18818629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inky_Blackheart/pseuds/Inky_Blackheart
Summary: Kuzco likes Kronk. Kronk likes Kuzco. Neither of them are very good at picking up the other's cues.





	Oblivious

“Oh Kronk,” Kuzco purred, trying to stretch out over his chaise as seductively as possible, succeeding only in sliding down the slick surface into an undignified heap, “your muscles have gotten so much bigger lately.” Kuzco reached out and squeezed a shoulder, finding it firm under his hands.

 “Thanks, pal,” Kronk answered sunnily, continuing to feed the emperor spinach puffs, “I’ve changed up my routine a little bit. Leg day twice a week, absolutely, cannot skip that, a bit more focus on my deltoids, biceps, can’t forget the brachioradialis, that’s a new one, connected to the abductor I believe, and...”

 Kuzco nodded along politely, trying to keep his internal scream...well, internal. He finally slid all the way off his chaise, landing on his back on the cold hard floor of the palace. _I need carpet_ , he thought, _or an area rug. Something._

 Kronk stopped his ramblings about muscles. He looked down at Kuzco, bending down to offer a hand up. Kronk’s perfect black hair fell over his shoulder. Kuzco’s breath hitched. “You okay, little buddy?”

 Kuzco wanted the floor to swallow him whole. He wanted to lay on the floor and stay there. Instead, he chose to accept the help up, struggling to stand without flashing Kronk the goods. As much as he wanted the other man to sneak a peek, the position he’d landed in wasn’t the least bit flattering. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.” He tried to stretch. Something pulled and he tensed in pain, wincing through a whole-body clench.

 “Ooh, looks like you pulled the latissimus dorsi,” Kronk winced with him, “that’s gotta hurt.”

 “Not at all,” Kuzco wheezed, voice not unlike a balloon emptying itself of air. “I’m perfectly fine.”

 “If you’re sure...I do know a few back massages that could help you. Got a squirrel scout badge in it and everything.”

 Blood erupted from Kuzco’s nose.

 #

“I hate my liiiiiife,” Kuzco whined, face first on Pacha’s carpet. His friend swept the floor around him, rolling his eyes. Chicha, in the process of making dinner, raised an eyebrow. Pacha shook his head at her, pointing to the well-dressed lump on the floor. Chicha nodded in understanding. _Teenagers,_ she thought. _So dramatic_.

 “It must be so hard being emperor,” Pacha said sarcastically, tapping Kuzco’s head with the broom, “having other people to dress you, and cook for you, and sweep your floor.” The emperor sat up, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Same thing as last time?”

 “He’s so hot but so, so stupid!” Kuzco whined. “I’m being as blatant as I can but he’s not taking the bait! I listened to him talk about cooking for two hours yesterday! Today he went on a tangent about exercise when I complimented his muscles! I stopped wearing underwear! What else can I do?”

 “For one, I did _not_ need to know that.” Pacha leaned his broom against the wall, slowly lowering himself to sit next to the broom and beside his best friend. “For two, why don’t you just tell him how you feel? Kronk is….well, he’s very very kind, but he’s also very, very….”

 “Unobservant,” Chicha finished, giving Pacha a glare, “he doesn’t notice things unless they’re very obvious.”

 “I asked him if he thought my outfit made my butt look good and he told me he liked the fabric.” Kuzco groaned. “I don’t know how much more obvious I can be.”

 “Why don’t you try being honest?” Chicha asked, hand on her hip. “That has to be easier than dropping hints and hoping Kronk will figure out that you want him to think your butt looks good.” Pacha nodded in agreement.

 “Ugh, fine.” Kuzco sighed dramatically. Chicha grinned. That meant he was actually going to listen to her. Not an unusual occurrence, but still, she enjoyed it. “My butt does look good though, right?”

 Pacha grabbed the broom and smacked him on the head with it.

 #

“Let’s go through it again.” Shoulder-Angel pulled a long list out of a puff of smoke, fishing some glasses out of the front of his robe. He tugged the list upward, paper spilling over his hands until he was reading the very bottom. Shoulder-Devil rolled his eyes and conjured a chair, leaning back and filing his nails. “You’ve tried complimenting his taste in interior decorating.”

 “That one wasn’t hard. The towel arrangement in the bathroom is quite lovely.” Kronk tapped his chin. “Kuzco has great taste in fabric.”

 “You tried complimenting his taste in clothing.”

 “That one was a little more difficult. His butt looked really, really good in that outfit.” A faint blush dusted Kronk’s cheeks. Shoulder-Devil stopped filing briefly, waiting for his moment to shine, but ultimately resumed his nail maintenance with a huff.

 “You’ve been making him his favourite foods.”

 “Done and done. We made Kuzco’s favourite foods. Kuzco’s favourites. The food, specifically made, for Kuzco. In all fairness, I cook for everyone. I really love to do it.”

 “Point taken. And...asking him if he wanted a back massage didn’t work? I had high hopes for that one.” Shoulder-Angel’s wings drooped.

 “How is he the emperor and this stupid?” Shoulder-Devil scoffed. “He’s denser than this flying brick,” he pointed his thumb in Shoulder-Angel’s direction.

 “That was uncalled for. I would be able to figure out that someone offering me a back massage was hitting on me.”

 “Those were both uncalled for, really,” Kronk said, glaring at both. “Kuzco isn’t an idiot. He’s a great guy when you get to know him. Well, he is now. Maybe he was before. Yzma was wrong about a lot of things, most especially my spinach puffs.”

 “You’re never going to let that go, are you?” Shoulder-Angel asked.

 “Would you?” Shoulder-Devil retorted.

 “Fair point.”

 Kronk flopped to the chair in his modest but well-decorated room. Being Kuzco’s personal assistant had some perks, but being so close to the emperor, the object of his adoration, was not one of them. He was trying to do this right, gods knew he needed to make up for turning the man into a llama, but wooing the bratty ruler was a very difficult task. “What other options do we have?”

 Shoulder-Angel leaned against his neck. “I got nothing. I really do. Maybe we should just give up.”

 Shoulder-Devil stood up, kicking his chair away. “I can’t believe this. Mr. Optimism, Mr. Happy-all-the-time, Mr. Good-to-the-last-drop has given up on love, of all things?” He laughed bitterly. “I’d laugh more but this is so utterly sad.”

 “Get to the point,” Shoulder-Angel snapped.

 “Look, here’s what you need to do. You walk up to Kuzco, say “I like your butt”, and then touch his butt. Boom, bang, done. Roll credits.” Shoulder-Devil nodded, satisfied with himself.

Shoulder-Angel’s jaw dropped. “No.”

“Yeah, I’m going to have to agree with him.” Kronk pointed at Shoulder-Angel, who fist pumped. “That’s harassment. That goes against the squirrel scout code and also basic human decency.”

“Ugh, fine.” Shoulder-Devil threw his hands down. “How about you tell him you like his butt, and then ask to touch it, waiting politely for a response before touching it?”

“That could work.” Shoulder-Angel nodded. “That really could.”

“There’s no way he could miss that,” Kronk agreed, “but maybe I should tell him I like him first. Or else he might not get why I want to touch it.”

“This is Kuzco we’re talking about,” Shoulder-Devil smirked. Shoulder-Angel threw his harp at him.

 # 

“Okay, here’s the plan, just like I practised with Pacha. Kronk comes in to start the day. I tell him to sit down. I say “Kronk, I’ve developed very strong feelings for you and I would like to discuss exploring these feelings with you.” Then Kronk...tells me I’m an idiot and he hates me, or he’s flattered but he can’t date me because I’m not a girl.” Kuzco frowned, slumping in his throne. “Ugh, there’s no way this will work.” A knock sounded. Kuzco shot up, straightening his back and trying his best to look regal. Showtime.

 “No, no. I’m awesome, I’m the emperor, and I can do this.” Kuzco told himself a few times. He took a deep breath, whined, winced, and yelled: “Come in Kronk!”

 Kronk entered the throne room as usual, with a spring in his step and a smile on his face. His hands seemed a little shaky. Maybe he was low on iron. “Good morning Kuzco! How are you today?”

 “Great, great, no complaints!” Kuzco chirped, voice instantly rising a few octaves. “It’s a great day to be emperor!” _Stupid!_ Kuzco chided himself, _stupid, stupid stupid!_

 “Glad to hear it, and be near it.” Kronk’s smile tightened. _He thinks I’m weird,_ Kuzco thought. _He’s trying to figure out if I’m going to start chopping off heads_. “So, what’s on the agenda today?”

 “I...look, I have something to tell you.”

 “I’m sorry about the Waldorf salad last week,” Kronk said too quickly, “it was a little heavy on the vinegar, but I can fix that, and I know I didn’t tell you about that meeting with the council, but in all fairness, you looked really tired, and...”

 “...I’m not really sure what you’re talking about, but that’s not it. You’re not in trouble.” _I am_ , Kuzco thought, _I’m floundering like a beached fish_. “I...oh gods, I can’t do this.”

 “Kuzco, you cannot doubt yourself. We talked about this.”

 “No, that’s...” Kuzco’s mouth fell open and shut, open and shut. His palms started sweating. He was pretty sure his face matched his favourite red robes. “I mean, that is to say...”

 “Kuzco,” Kronk interrupted, “I have something to tell you, in fact.”

 “Yes?” Kuzco squirmed, wincing at the cracking of his voice.

 “I like you and I want to touch your butt.”

 _I must have hyperventilated too much because I did not just hear that. No way._ “What?”

 _Did I do this wrong?_ Kronk thought, fighting to keep the panic off his face. Shoulder-Angel started saying ‘told you so’. “I like you and I want to touch your butt. I, me, I really like you. You’re really cute and surprisingly nice and pretty funny and you have great taste in almost everything and I also really like your butt and I want to touch it.” Kronk finished, looking up at Kuzco. Kuzco’s expression hadn’t changed. He was still frozen, mouth open, eyes wide, and fingers tight around the arm of his throne. _He’s in shock. Maybe I should start first-aid._

Kuzco’s rational thought returned slowly. His blood had left for...other destinations after Kronk’s admission of desire. Either that or his heart stopped entirely. “You like me.”

 “Yes, I did just say that.”

 “You like my butt.”

 “I said that as well.” Kronk awkwardly rocked from the front of his foot to his heel. A silence stretched between them. “I won’t touch it unless you want me to.”

 “I do!” Squeaked Kuzco. “I’m completely and totally okay with this!”

 “Really? You sound...weird.” Kronk raised an eyebrow. “You okay, little buddy? You look a little pale.”

 “My blood is otherwise occupied at this moment.” Kuzco’s wide mouth closed and turned upwards, creating a giant smile. Kronk was confused, but Kuzco was a complicated man. He’d learned to roll with it over time. “I can’t believe you beat me to it. I thought I was being so obvious all this time.”

 “Uh...what?”

 Kuzco got off his throne, strode up to Kronk, and wrapped his thin arms around Kronk’s thick body in a surprisingly tight hug. “I really, really like you, Kronk. I want to promote you from my personal assistant to my boyfriend.”

 Kronk smiled back. Both Shoulder-Angel and Shoulder-Devil fist pumped, sharing a rare high-fived. “I accept this promotion. I won’t let you down.” He wiggled his arms out from the embrace and hugged Kuzco back, kissing him on the top of his head. “Your hair smells fantastic.”

 “I’ve only been using mint shampoo for two months.”

 “That’s funny, I love...oh wait. Now I get it. I missed so many signs.”

 “That’s okay.” Kuzco stood on his tiptoes and gave Kronk a gentle kiss on the lips. “Apparently I did too.”

 “Hurrah, you’re both idiots!” Shoulder-Devil cheered sarcastically. Kronk flipped him off his shoulder.

Kronk scooped Kuzco into his arms, twirled him around, and gave him a much deeper kiss. “For the record, you can also touch my butt. Any time you want.”

Kuzco swooned.

**Author's Note:**

> Writing Kronk is probably the most fun I've had in a while. Enjoy friends!
> 
> My Tumblr: https://inkyblacc.tumblr.com/


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